Skew It On The Barbie

Top 5 Things To Grill
1. Steak
2. Hamburgers
3. People you need info from
4. Kabobs
5. Pollo

guns, grills, stars, stripes, 9/11.

Riddle Me This

I don't really watch much television these days. I'm not saying this to sound cool though as I would watch TV more if I didn't have other shit to do that I find to be more entertaining. Every once in a while I'll have one of those wicked hangovers though that keeps me shelved all day and I just veg out and order non vegetarian pizzas and watch the tube. Or occasionally Captain Grassdealer will come through with such good weed that I stone myself silly and physically can't get up off the couch for an hour or two. I wish that happened more actually. Anyways, whenever I find myself clicking aimlessly through the channels I always seem to stumble upon that train wreck of a show on VH1 called "Daisy Of Love." The same thing happens every time. I say to myself ugh are these real people or actors, then my brain tells me to change the channel, then something overrules my brain and I watch at least five minutes of the show. The more I watch the more I'm convinced that the world is coming to an end. I tell myself that this is just television and that there aren't actually dudes out there that fail this miserably at life. However, I think I'm wrong.

Let us pretend this scenario. You are stuck on a deserted island with three random dudes from this show. You know with complete certainty that you will never be rescued and basically you have to spend the rest of your life on this island with these three people. You stumble upon an old wooden box that contains a gun with only ONE bullet. So riddle me this. Who do you shoot? Because we know you would want to. You can't shoot all three because the lone bullet only has the force to penetrate one person. Here are your choices.

This is 84. This is actually how he dresses although he claims he has never heard of Axl Rose. In fact he claims he has never heard of Guns N Roses but ironically says his favorite band of all time is Hanoi Rocks. When he's not busy pretending to shoot heroin you can find him in the bathroom either sticking his finger down his throat or up his vagina.

This is Flipper. He claims to have lifted this nickname from the popular dolphin of the same name and says he's never heard of the rad late 70s-early 80s San Fran band Flipper. He says his two favorite things in life are Dep hair gel and Jagermeister although he says his homemade benzodiazepine or "date rape in a bottle" comes in a close third. Favorite activities include shaving his chest and watching gape porn.

This is Cage. He loves "hardcore" music almost as much as he loves snorting his friends ball gravy after a sweaty sesh. As a loner in junior high he played in an Alanis Morrisette cover band but claims his life changed when his best friend Zeke told him about this wild music tour known as Ozzfest. He once punched his mother in the nose when he was seventeen because she told him that WWE wrestling was fake.

When looking over these options and weighing them out fairly I concluded that the best thing to do would be to turn the gun around, insert the barrel into your own mouth, and say goodnight. Thanks VH1, thank you for putting people on television that are so awful that I would rather kill myself than have to watch to these buffoons flex nuts and fight over who gets to dump their retard heavy DNA into some geek turned slut named Daisy.

Anvil / No Minnesota Nice

Last night Maja wanted to go see the documentary Anvil for her second screening in three days. I wasn't with her the first time but I was assured that I would love the flick. Before I talk about the movie I should mention the shit that went down the first night she went and saw it last Friday night. Anvil had been slated to make an actual appearance that night after the movie was over and they were gonna play some tunes, do meet and greets and the whole nine yards. According to Maja the dudes sat down to play and realized that someone had stolen some of their gear while they were out in the lobby signing autographs and hanging out with fans. After coming back to play after the 9:30 show they realized that some equipment was missing. I guess they just sort of looked around for a second and then three of the four dudes just got up and walked out. Theft of gear in itself is already fucked up but what's even more troubling to me is that someone could steal anything from these dudes after just sitting through that movie. All I know is that it truly takes a real degenerate piece of shit to pull something like that and for what??? A few cymbals??? A few rocks?

Onto the movie. So far this is the best thing I've watched this year hands down. I really can't express how much I thoroughly enjoyed it. From the opening frame to the final shots as the credits are rolling I was captivated. I never listened to Anvil growing up and was honestly pretty unfamiliar with 99 percent of their tunes but that's neither here nor there when you're watching this movie. Without getting too much into it, the brief summary is that it manages to sort of tell the tale of Anvil from the 80's til now and their desire for success. Although they wanted to blow up and never really did, they also don't really measure success necessarily by record sales and so on. I think that they really just want to sort of be acknowledged for the ass busting work that they've put into this beast for over 30 years. The two main guys it follows are "Lips" and "Robbo" who are founding members and seem to be genuine sweethearts. By the end of this movie you can't help but adore them both for their determination and the seemingly brutally honest nature that encompasses each. The movie was tremendously inspirational, touching, funny, enjoyable and a must see for ANYONE ANYWHERE. What are you waiting for?

WATCH TRAILER HERE

Work Free Is The Way To Be

Boss gave me the day off today and its sunny and nearing 70. Tits, clits, and bong hits man. A few things off the top of my head:

- Jesse Draxler and I started an art project called Methadont and we plan on displaying the final works in a gallery when the 365 days end. Also looking into the idea of a coffee table book. Start saving your money cuz the book is gonna be honey and guaranteed to make you look smart and art in front of yer cool friends.

- A few friends started a new collective/company type thing called Lovelee Buttons with Dom Davis. Putting MPLS back on the map or something. I'd know more if I showed up to either of the two meetings I was invited to but now I gotta be like Redman is to Wu Tang Clan. Shimmy shimmy ya.

- My tallest friend Lake moved back from Chicago after realizing how many pricks there were there and how much of a drag it is to park. Surprisingly, this has led to Buildings getting back together with a new bass player and they are playing a show tomorrow night downtown.

- Going to see The Kills and The Horrors on Monday night at First Ave. It's Sehorns birthday and should be a great time with friends and feedback.

- Before I abruptly and slightly regretfully deleted all of my old posts on here I had been meaning to link some new tunes from my favorite Brooklynites, Coin Under Tongue. My mate from another state Joe plays guitar(lefty?) and sings for these guys. Dude, we're still waiting for you to put out a bad song. What gives? Anyways, Joe and his people run Death By Audio Records and they recently signed Seawhores. Remember them? Who could forget the Seawhores a la N.W.A. t-shirts?

- Preston brought this similarity to my attention the other day. He thought that LCD's "North American Scum" and Becks "Timebomb" were noticeably alike and after listening to the Beck track I tend to agree. Intentional or not I don't know. I'm not even sure which came out first. Beck gives me the creeps sometimes though.

Fell Asleep On Your Mom

I feel like I've been smoking acid for the past month, whatever that means. Thanks Anton. Gonna get this bitch running again though and so why not post the obligatory Youtube video. Ah, such a cheap substitution for writing these days. No but really, I just came across this rad cover of "Point That Thing Somewhere Else" originally by The Clean but being ripped through by Kinski here. I have only heard like two other Kinski songs in my life which were from an old Sub Pop split they did with Acid Mothers Temple in 2003. The song "Fell Asleep On Your Lawn" from that split is killer too but of course I sold it to Cheapo a long time ago and now can't find it online anywhere. Like for free.