5.24.2009

Riddle Me This

I don't really watch much television these days. I'm not saying this to sound cool though as I would watch TV more if I didn't have other shit to do that I find to be more entertaining. Every once in a while I'll have one of those wicked hangovers though that keeps me shelved all day and I just veg out and order non vegetarian pizzas and watch the tube. Or occasionally Captain Grassdealer will come through with such good weed that I stone myself silly and physically can't get up off the couch for an hour or two. I wish that happened more actually. Anyways, whenever I find myself clicking aimlessly through the channels I always seem to stumble upon that train wreck of a show on VH1 called "Daisy Of Love." The same thing happens every time. I say to myself ugh are these real people or actors, then my brain tells me to change the channel, then something overrules my brain and I watch at least five minutes of the show. The more I watch the more I'm convinced that the world is coming to an end. I tell myself that this is just television and that there aren't actually dudes out there that fail this miserably at life. However, I think I'm wrong.

Let us pretend this scenario. You are stuck on a deserted island with three random dudes from this show. You know with complete certainty that you will never be rescued and basically you have to spend the rest of your life on this island with these three people. You stumble upon an old wooden box that contains a gun with only ONE bullet. So riddle me this. Who do you shoot? Because we know you would want to. You can't shoot all three because the lone bullet only has the force to penetrate one person. Here are your choices.

This is 84. This is actually how he dresses although he claims he has never heard of Axl Rose. In fact he claims he has never heard of Guns N Roses but ironically says his favorite band of all time is Hanoi Rocks. When he's not busy pretending to shoot heroin you can find him in the bathroom either sticking his finger down his throat or up his vagina.

This is Flipper. He claims to have lifted this nickname from the popular dolphin of the same name and says he's never heard of the rad late 70s-early 80s San Fran band Flipper. He says his two favorite things in life are Dep hair gel and Jagermeister although he says his homemade benzodiazepine or "date rape in a bottle" comes in a close third. Favorite activities include shaving his chest and watching gape porn.

This is Cage. He loves "hardcore" music almost as much as he loves snorting his friends ball gravy after a sweaty sesh. As a loner in junior high he played in an Alanis Morrisette cover band but claims his life changed when his best friend Zeke told him about this wild music tour known as Ozzfest. He once punched his mother in the nose when he was seventeen because she told him that WWE wrestling was fake.

When looking over these options and weighing them out fairly I concluded that the best thing to do would be to turn the gun around, insert the barrel into your own mouth, and say goodnight. Thanks VH1, thank you for putting people on television that are so awful that I would rather kill myself than have to watch to these buffoons flex nuts and fight over who gets to dump their retard heavy DNA into some geek turned slut named Daisy.

2 comments:

justin james sehorn said...

mooks! (watch merchants of cool if you have not!)

Malcolm Alchemy said...

man i remember you telling me about "merchants of cool" way back when we lived together and i still haven't seen it. gonna look for dat shit on the internutz dude. i did look up mooks on the old urban dictionary though and yeah... mooks is right.